You can’t help anyone but yourself

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From time to time we find ourselves in a situation, in which someone close to us is suffering emotionally.
A friend a partner, a relative.
We want to help that someone we care about.
We feel their pain.
We might identify with it.
Their story may sound familiar to something we went thru before.
Sometimes what we have to say helps and sometimes it doesn’t.

They say that if you really want to understand what someone is going thru, put yourself in their shoes.
See how it feels.
See their story from their point of view.

While it may bring you closer to the other person’s experience,
You will never know exactly what they’re feeling,
how strong is their suffering, what are their real motives, wants, and thoughts.

Simply because you are not them. You don’t have access to their point of view.

It would take you, a whole lifetime to be them, to know what is like to be someone else.
You can’t just jump into someone else’s shoes and try to help them, you might get the opposite effect.
And here is why.
Each of us come with our own belief system, that contains
rules,
opinions,
our life story,
other people stories,
social norms,
social conduct,
what is ok,
what is not,
what we have learned,
conclusions we’ve made,
unique perspectives that we acquired
and so on.

When you step into someone else’s shoes all you can do is partially recreate and understand the situation.
You can imagine a circumstance, and the appearance of the situation.
But you have no way of imagining people’s perspectives, belief systems, who they really are, what they feel and how they react emotionally.
Most of us won’t even think about the suffering person’s perspectives and belief system.
We jump right in injecting our own belief system and life perspectives into their story, missing their point of suffering from the get-go.

We try to help them by being in their shoes with our own personality.
With our own personal beliefs, opinions about life’s and its meaning.
Our own interpretation of everything in life.

But what is worse is when we interpret our own suffering as someone else’s suffering.

For example:
Here I am noticing this person’s behavior, that I disapprove of or society might disapprove of.
This person’s way of living is unacceptable according to my book, my views, my beliefs.
It is so unacceptable to me that it makes me angry every time I see this person.
Every time I encounter this behavior in anyone, it makes me angry, I feel bad.
Maybe if I “helped” that person to live accordingly to what I believe is right, they would be happier.
Or in other words “I would be happier“.

Any way you look at it you can’t really know what the suffering person is going thru.
You can’t know because there are no two identical humans on earth, with identical feelings and emotions.
We all tick in a different way. We all suffer in a different way. There is no way to measure or compare our suffering.

All we can do is offer our hearts to the suffering person, not our beliefs and not our opinions.
Not what they should or shouldn’t do with their suffering.
Only our hearts.
Uplifting, guiding words from our hearts into their hearts.
Bringing them closer to their own hearts, closer to themselves.

Back home.

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One comment

  1. Wow. This post is very inspiring, I really loved it. You are very talented. There is honesty and sincerity in every word and I am completely in awe. I hope you could follow my blog and hopefully you can be inspired too. Thanks. Keep writing great stuff. 🙂

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