I don’t know what to do anymore

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I’m 37, That’s 30 years of doing for me. Give or take.

Doing assignments, kindergarten, school, high school, work, university, work, career. Always in doing. Since I can remember. Tasks. At home, At school, At work. There was always something that needed to be done. So, I did do something. But did I want to?

We want to believe that our doing comes from wanting, but it is not your obvious wanting. It is a fake kind of wanting. The wanting that comes from fear.

If I don’t have that thing, then I’ll be less than what I am. I must have that so I will continue to be as I am. I don’t want to be less than what I am.

Do I want to have that thing?
– Sure, I want to have that, I think, but more precisely I fear more not to have that.

If I don’t achieve that, then I’ll be less than what I am. I must achieve that, so I can continue to be as I am. I don’t want to be less than what I am.

Do I want to achieve that thing?
– Sure, I want to achieve that, I think, but more precisely, I fear more not to achieve that.

If I don’t do that thing, then I’ll be less than what I am. I must do that thing, so I can continue to be as I am. I don’t want to be less than what I am.

Do I want to do that thing?
– Sure, I want to do it, I think, but more precisely, I fear more not to do it.

We want to believe that we chose to live our lives the way we live our lives. But how many of the choices we made, came from true wanting, and how many came from fear. Preparations for the future from fear, from judgment, from comparison, from dissatisfaction.

Any choice made from lack is a choice made from dissatisfaction.

It usually goes something like this.
Oh shit I don’t have that yet. Bobby has It, I need to have that too. (Do you? Really?)
They like Sarah more, I want to be like Sarah. (Do you? Really?)
Wow they are really impressed by him, I want to do what he does. (Do you? Really?)
I just heard that things might get tough, I want to be prepared for the bad stuff. (Do you? Really?)

I want to do this and that, so that this and that can make me feel good, safe and free.
In other words – I want this so I can be me.

My friend, there is nothing outside of you that is preventing from you to feel good, safe and free.
If you want something so that you can feel good, you don’t really want it. You just don’t like the way you feel, and you’re looking to distract yourself with that shiny something.
Whether it is a car, a relationship, job, money, whatever.
You’re looking to be depended on something other than yourself.
And suppose you get what you want.

A car, a relationship, money, whatever. Now what if you crash your car, you screw up the relationship, you lose your money. You were depending on these things to make you feel good, and now they are gone, now you’re back to square one, where you started. Everything that you have or own is a subject to change. The only real thing that is not, is your love to yourself when you finally have it. You can always be there for yourself if you chose to, you can always love yourself if you chose to.

You don’t really want or need something that will make you feel good, safe, appreciated, loved, approved. All those things come from you.

So, what do you want?
What do you truly want?

It might take time to answer that question.
It might take time to identify the fake wants.
But when you finally want something, just because you desire it, not because you’re needing it.
You realize that you’re free from wanting that, you are free from not having what you want.
Because that’s ok.
Because you feel great regardless.
Because you feel great only from knowing, what is it that you truly want.
You don’t depend your happiness on it.

You don’t care if it comes tomorrow, next year or never.
That’s not the point anymore.
The point is to be yourself, free from fake wanting. Free to feel good anytime.
Not depending your happiness on something that might break or expire.
Free to want and not to want without dependence.
But with passion.
With childhood like desire.
That pure kind of wanting.

Yours truly
Boris.

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