My fault

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Every time I got hurt, fooled, lost money, made a decision that didn’t benefit me.
Every time I was laughed at, verbally abused, I blamed myself.

Why?

Because I was the one feeling bad. I was feeling the emotions.
I blamed myself for feeling the emotions, that made me feel bad.

I wanted to know what is wrong with me.
Is it the way I look, dress, talk, walk.
What is wrong with me?
How am I different from others? Am I not normal?

Of course, there was no way for me to know who is normal. So I perceived the people I admired as normal because it was obvious that other people treat them as equal. So they must be normal. They do not feel what I feel. They are not treated the way I’m treated.

Actors, singers, sports stars, idols.
As a kid that is the only conclusion, I could have.
In order to be normal, I must be like someone else.
I need to learn to play the guitar.
I need to learn to play sports.
I need to learn how to sing.

I want people to like me.

I didn’t think that I was good-looking enough, worthy enough. I didn’t have enough of what I thought I needed so people would like me.

Looks, stuff, skills, talents.

I didn’t have enough to make an impression.
Being myself apparently is not enough, if you want to feel good.
I didn’t want to feel these bad emotions, I thought I needed to do something, to become someone.

I need to fight in order to feel good.

How many of us are fooled by society to believe that we are not good enough, not good looking enough, not well dressed enough?

How many believe that because of what we don’t have we are not loved.

How many believe that we need to change ourselves, achieve something, in order to be loved.

There is no way around it because society appreciates achievements, talents, skills, beauty, entertainment. And that is fine.

What is misleading is our belief that we need to change in order to have what we want, to be loved.

We make the logical connections of why we are not loved. We decide to believe in them. All it takes is to believe. Whether we are told that we are not enough or we make this conclusion on our own, doesn’t matter. In the end, we are making a choice to believe in a certain point of view, a perspective. The origin of that perspective is not important unless we believe it is.

Unless we decide to believe that whatever mommy says is true. Whatever someone that we depend on says it’s true.
We decide who to trust, sometimes unknowingly, instinctively.
Like children that trust their parents.
Children trust because they need safety.
Adults trust because they need safety.

We all want to know that we are okay. So we’ll do whatever we believe we need to do, to be okay.

Lose weight.
Work 9 to 5 the jobs we hate…
Get married.
Have children.
Listen to our parents.

Depend on other people’s expectations of us, including our own expectations of ourselves.

Expectations that we believe will make us safe, make us okay.

If you think that you’re not okay, It is only your belief telling you that you’re not.

Unless you’re in immediate physical danger, you can be at peace, comfort, freedom, and abundance, anytime you want.

If you don’t believe me, ask yourself:
“What do I believe I need to do, say, accomplish in order to be safe and loved?

Once you know the answer ask yourself :
“How did I come to believe in this belief  ?”

Yours truly,
Boris.

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