I would like to share with you the journey I’ve taken to change my life in the past year. From feeling helpless, with life and its struggles, to being able to change and have everything I desired in life.
I was your regular 36 years old guy, with a job, in a relationship. But I wasn’t happy. I mean I was okay, but I wasn’t satisfied with my life. I was feeling that something was missing. I was missing happiness. I was missing freedom, being able to do whatever I want whenever I want, in my daily life.
This was the first time I really noticed that I wasn’t happy, to a degree that it got me worried. I didn’t want to live life like this till the day I die. I also didn’t know what to do in order to be happy, to have freedom and peace of mind, to be free of worry.
All I knew is what I don’t want and what I don’t like. I didn’t like my job, although the paycheck was nice. I didn’t really like the constant fighting in the relationship, although I loved my girlfriend. I didn’t like worrying about money even when I had money. I was missing the peace of mind. I was missing the freedom of expression, of movement.
I was living the way I was taught to live, I was behaving the way I was taught to behave. And that didn’t feel good. I knew that I’m doing everything by the book, and it is supposed to make me happy, but it didn’t and I didn’t know what to do.
I was trapped, and It seemed that it was the way things are going to be for the rest of my life. But I didn’t want that. I knew that I can be happy, free, and in peace. I knew people can be happy. People can change their lives for the best. People can live the life they want. But how? How do I go from being where I am, who I am, to where I want to be and who I want to be, who I want to become.
I didn’t know how. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be like this anymore. I want freedom. I want to feel a peace of mind, ease. I want to feel great. I don’t want this burden of worry. I don’t want the struggles of life. The fightings in the relationship. The endless race for money. I wanted to be free in my mind, in my body, in my finance, in my life.
So I started looking. I started looking elsewhere from where I’ve looked before. Because I was sick of living the life that didn’t make me happy.
So I tried to make myself feel better. To motivate myself. To inspire myself. To think positive. It helped but the effect didn’t last very long. I was basically pumping myself, my mood momentarily, but the moment I got back to life everything I didn’t want was still there. In fact, nothing has changed. I was the same. My circumstance was the same. My feelings were the same. I wasn’t free. Sure I could listen over and over to that motivational youtube video that I liked, but I already knew that it is not long lasting and I’ll be back to where I started soon enough.
I guess I needed something different. I knew that something is preventing me from being positive all the time, something was preventing me from being happy, inspired, motivated, at peace. That something wasn’t the circumstance, because the circumstance did make me feel good when I was listening to inspirational/motivational stuff. I could distract myself from the negative circumstance to the positive whenever I wanted. But this is tiring, It felt like I was running from the truth, that was not visible to me yet.
So I thought to myself if my suffering is not caused by the circumstance then it must be me, I am the cause for my suffering. But how do I make myself happy? How do I even know where to start. Then I realized that if I was making myself feel bad then I can observe what is exactly am I doing before I feel bad.
I started to pay attention to when and where I feel off when I feel not so great. What is the circumstance that pushes me downhill, with myself. I began thoroughly investigating and noticing every little tiny thing that I suspected that was making me feel bad. Yes, every time I felt off I wanted to know why.
Feeling is easy, it happens to you. The body is doing all the feeling. But what is not easy is forcing oneself to notice, to investigate the causes of feeling certain emotions. In my case, I was motivated to notice because I was sick and tired of living the way I did. I was determined and committed to making a change. So you can say it was easier for me that way. If you find yourself disliking your life, but can’t conjure up enough motivation to start noticing what exactly is making you feel bad. All It means is that you can stand the heat of whatever is going on with you. The water you’re in is just not hot enough to motivate you to get out. So, just let them boil. The minute you can’t stand the heat. You will have the motivation.
I won’t lie, if you want to change your life it will take time, it will take dedication. It will take time. Did I say that it will take time already? Because it will. A change towards freedom, peace, joy is not something that happens overnight. It is a whole body-mind-spirit transformation.
If you change your diet, your mind must follow. But, If it won’t you’ll be right back to square one. That is why so many people lose weight and then gain it back again. They decide to live healthier lives, but the soon they make the transformation in their body they gain back the weight. Why?
Because they weren’t convinced enough in making the change in the first place. If a person wants to be in shape, eat healthy, live healthy, he will continue doing that after losing the weight.
In order for the change to hold, your body needs to be on the same page with your mind. You need to want it, no matter the circumstance. No matter what the number is on the weight scale. You just go for it because your intention is driven by will and not fear. Because you had enough of fear, of contraction, of limitation.
In that sense, I didn’t need to want badly enough, or to make myself to notice, I did it naturally because I didn’t have other choices. I noticed when I felt bad. Because I cared. I cared about myself. And was not willing to give up on a single little grain of salt that caused me to move from my peace, from my freedom, from myself.
You see, we are so used to feeling not so good, not even great. Used to be okay.
But, what is okay? Do you feel okay or not so good? We train our mind and our bodies to ignore ourselves, our emotions. This soon enough becomes our routine. It becomes hard to identify whatever I’m feeling right now is fine, okay, good enough, or not so good. If you get used to feeling not so good, it becomes your okay. You’ve developed a stamina. Why? Because you wanted to. You agreed to it with your mind. You also suffered that emotion long enough in your body and your body agreed to that emotion. You aligned your body and mind. You went from not so good to okay, to fine.
This is natural. People do it all the time. Why? Because they believe that they need to suffer. Working the job they hate. Behaving a certain way just because society expects them to. Fear is the main reason people will do things they don’t want. Fear is the main reason people don’t want to be aware of the things that are making them feel bad. We fear to become aware and face fear. So, it becomes hard to notices every little thing that makes us feel bad.
But don’t worry, no matter what stamina you’ve developed, you can always feel when you’re suffering. Because there is no limit to suffering, as there is no limit to joy and happiness.
So, At first when I started noticing it seemed to me that everything made me feel bad. My thoughts, my job, my relationship, my apartment, people on the bus, the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk. I was overwhelmed by the amount of suffering I agreed to in my daily life.
Yes, I agreed to, because everything I had or owned. I agreed to. I agreed to be treated a certain way. I agreed to be talked in a certain way. I agreed to fear certain things. I agreed to look away from certain things. I agreed to feel the way I feel, because I never took the time to notice, to understand why. To know why I am the way I am. I never took the time to understand why. Why someone is indifferent to a certain circumstance in a relationship for example while the other will explode in that exact circumstance. If the circumstance was to blame, then both people should react the same to it. Explode or be indifferent. But if people react differently to the circumstance then the circumstance is not to blame. It is I, that believes something and chooses to react when presented with a certain circumstance. It is my perception of what is in front of me. That “makes” me feel the way I do. It is happening in my world, due to the things that I believe in.
People that come to the realization that the perception of the world they live in, is only their own personal perception and personal experience, usually stop there. They are satisfied with the realization, that it is I that reacts to this, in this way, there is no one to blame. Although this is helpful, it doesn’t empower you, you are still the same even when realizing that.
Those people try to be at peace with what is. They try to be at peace by simply understanding in their mind that what is bothering them right now, it is only their personal view, that nobody is to blame for what is bothering them. Well if you ask me that doesn’t help, in fact, that changes nothing for me. It is a state of suppressing everything. By trying to tell yourself that everything is ok. It is like trying to lose weight, it holds for some time, but then again, you’ll find yourself at square one, with your old self.
But why stop there, why stop and try to accept everything while feeling this burden, this suffocating, this suffering state of being in this prison.
If it is my world’s perceptions then I must be the ruler of that world. If I’m the ruler then, I can change whatever I please to change, including my own beliefs that make me sad, angry, depressed or mad.
So how do you do that?
How do you free yourself from yourself?
What is the shortest route to freedom to peace?
How do you take that route?
It’s a process that requires commitment, dedication and a will that’s no longer willing to tolerate or accept your current struggles. If you made it to this line that means you care enough about your life, you want to change. In that case, I strongly recommend you to go over the posts of the last couple of months, see if you can relate to the offered advice in the posts. I’ve also recently written a comprehensive eBook summarizing it all in one place – 8 Stages To Awakening.
Sharing from personal experience, what worked for me. The journey, the struggles, the pitfalls, realizations, methods, personal notes, and practices. What I was going thru to overcome myself and set myself free.
My life, in general, has improved significantly. Since today I have the tools and realizations, to face anything, to release with love that doesn’t serve my best interest. Knowing this, I have never been more excited to live.
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