Living in a society that encourages competition and favorites winners, it is inevitable for you to compare yourself to others once you find yourself competing for the same things that others compete.
Competing for attention, for grades, for love, for appreciation, for a job. Usually, when we find ourselves not getting what we want, we look for a reason by comparing ourselves to others that already have what we want. Thus, making logical assumptions about what makes others better than us. Why did she prefer him over me? Why wasn’t I accepted for that job? I’m probably not good looking enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not this enough not that enough.
Due to this comparison, we look for what is missing in ourselves. Because if I was perfect I would have what I wanted. I would have been accepted for that job. I would have that girl’s number. Received that appreciation from that someone I care about. But since I didn’t get the things I wanted then I must be not that great as I thought I was. I must be less. Less worthy to have what I want. Since others don’t find me worthy, then why should I? Since others don’t show affection and appreciation to me then why should I?
We put ourselves down by taking full responsibility for the consequences we have no control over. If you didn’t get that job, If you didn’t get that girl. That doesn’t mean that you’re lacking something. You might have decided what you want. But if things don’t turn out the way you expect them, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. We take responsibilities on ourselves that are not ours to take.
Why do we take responsibility for consequences beyond our control?
Control. We want control. We try to control the things that make us fear. Loneliness, worthiness, sadness, lack. Since we decided that we are not worthy enough, not good enough to get what we want, we are looking for others to tell us that we are good enough, loved, worthy and appreciated. Looking to please others so they can show us appreciation and affection. Because we can’t do it on our own anymore.
But, we can’t make others happy all the time. We can’t please everyone. If we try then we abandon ourselves and live someone else’s life taking full responsibility for their life happiness. This is exhausting, failing to please others is exhausting and may result in blaming them for not seeing our effort to please them. Our happiness is not dependent on other peoples happiness, we only think it does. As much as we like to think, we don’t have it all figured out. We don’t have the formula for how the universe works. There are a million reasons for things to turn out the way they do and they don’t always include us.
When you’re concluding from consequences that you’re not good enough, you basically deciding how everything works. We blame ourselves because we think that we are in control of everything that is happening to us. Because we’ve decided that we are in control because we fear not to be in control.
Take a moment to think about the things that make you insecure, scared, doubtful.
Perhaps it is your looks, your self-esteem, finance, love, relationships, status, some issue.
Whatever you came up with, involves fear and thus – evolved from fear.
Imagine you had nothing to compare yourself to regarding the subject that made you fear.
If your fear includes people imagine for a minute that there are no people – then the fear disappears. Because your conclusion about what is bothering you is no longer valid.
If it is money, imagine for a minute that everyone is in the same financial situation as you. It becomes easier to accept your situation. Because there is nothing to compare yourself to that can make you feel bad.
If it is love, imagine for a minute that everyone loves you as you are right now, you don’t have to change anything. If you let yourself feel how it would feel, your conclusions about love will disappear for that minute.
We try to figure things out in search of happiness freedom and love. But we are too limited in our abilities to figure things out. Most of the time we observe, conclude and compare ourselves and our circumstance to others. When comparing our lives to other peoples lives, we decide that we are not good enough, our life is not good enough to make us feel good about ourselves. Forgetting all together that what makes us feel bad is the conclusions we make about ourselves and who we are. We decided to believe these conclusions, creating beliefs that from now on are defining who we are and what we feel in every future situation and circumstance.
Realize if you want to live a better life, you want to feel good about yourself first. For you to feel good about yourself doesn’t require having money, status, relationships, etc. You don’t need stuff, to feel good. You need your own forgiveness to yourself for making yourself believe that who you are right now, is not enough. Believe me that you are enough. You can feel loved right now by yourself. If you can’t feel loved that is because you put conditions for your love to yourself. You need the stuff to happen around you before you can feel loved and appreciated. Realize that you’ve created these conditions, from observation and comparison. You’re not required to compare yourself to anything. It is your choice to compare yourself to everything you chose to.