Since when did I become unimportant?
Since when what I want doesn’t matter?
Since when I only care about pleasing others?
Since when I decided to compromise on what I want?
I forgot what it’s like to give myself what I want. To give myself what I want when I want it. I forgot how it is like to stand on my own. I forgot what it’s like to be me around other people. When I’m around other people there’s no real me anymore. There is only the crowd pleaser the compromiser and the obedient one.
How can I go back to being me?
How can I find myself again?
Is it even possible?
Sometimes I get glimpses of what is like to be me, here and there. when I’m alone, surrounded by nature. When I’m distracted from the world around me, from my worries. But somehow I’m not able to stay in that state, because that state is not familiar to me anymore. It feels good, but at the same time, it scares me. Because I don’t know that place.
I’m used to my current place that gives me safety. I’m used to be who I’m right now. The one who is already accustomed to, behaving, talking, thinking a certain way, that makes him feel safe, the one that is prepared for anything. And that place where I can be me is long forgotten and unfamiliar to me. I’m afraid to stay there afraid of the dangers that might be lurking out there. I don’t know if I can be safe there. And still, I want to be there, but I don’t know how.
I guess I can say that being there is very familiar to a sensation I get when I think about dying. Thinking about dying is not like any other thought, not because it scares you, many things scares us, but because you cannot prepare yourself for that event of dying. All the other things that scare us usually, we can prepare ourselves for them mentally, strategically, emotionally. When something scares you other than dying, you can come up with some strategy to go around it, to solve it, to ignore it. But when I think about dying it is different. Nobody knows what is out there, so you can’t prepare yourself. You leave everything behind, you can’t take anything with you to protect you. No GPS, no weapons, nothing.
So it’s kind of like that when I get a glimpse of who I am, it feels great but scary at the same time. I feel I need to leave everything familiar behind in order to stay in that place, and that scares me, naturally. Being somewhere, unprepared.
So let me ask you something. Are you ready to die? Are you ready to die right now? Instinctively you’ll think I don’t want to die, and you will answer I’m not ready to die. Let me tell you that you are ready to die right now. Why you may ask. That is simple, dying requires no preparation no strategic plans no figuring things out, nothing. You just simply go, realize that you are ready to die right now. You’re ready to go right now. Whether or not you want to, that’s another question. But we are ready, each and every one of us is ready to go right now.
When you find yourself in that beautiful place of being that feels good. If you find yourself existing somewhere unfamiliar for a few seconds. Know that in order to stay in that place requires no effort from you, no preparation, absolutely nothing. Think about it, it is just like dying, but only you get to stay here. You get to have a new life. If you try to pull some of your old-self into that new life, some of your fears, worries, addictions, it wouldn’t feel new. So don’t be scared, when you’re there, because that is how a new beginning feels like.