Holding a grudge, when we feel insulted, mistreated, wronged in one way or another should only remind us that we put other people’s opinions, words, actions before our own. We perceive the world through others. Through their validation of ourselves. We are focused on the circumstances and events and conclude that they are the source from which we get hurt. We blame that source and not letting go of that blame unless something “happens” out there that will release us from our insulted feelings, and broken hearts.
We decide to forgive when we are asked for forgiveness. Because we seek justice, but our understanding of justice comes with conditions. We believe in justice as it is spoken about in the bible, an eye for an eye, that kind of justice. In our minds, justice can only occur when things are brought back to equilibrium. If I got hurt I need to know that the person that hurt me is punished or at least is agonizing for what they did to me.
When we get hurt, we are usually focused only on the part that hurts. Focused on our emotions, and feelings. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time it makes it harder for us to see and understand things beyond our current experience. When we focus only on the experience itself and how it feels, the only conclusion we can make about the circumstance and whoever hurt us – is that they are bad. Why? because we are focused on our “bad” feelings and emotions. When you are focused on your feelings all you can conclude is – this person or circumstance that triggered me and provoked those emotions. They are the cause of my “bad” feelings, they are “bad”.
This is what justice is all about seeing the offenders as “bad” and punishing them, holding a grudge against them, until justice is done. Until we know that they suffer too. What is holding us back to return to feeling good, is the belief that we see ourselves as victims due to the feelings that occur in our bodies and the conclusion that tie these feelings to something or someone else. We then wait for some conditions to be resolved before we can return to feeling good, we wait for “justice” and whatever we believe it represents to be made.
But let’s take a step back.
Do you really believe you want to punish someone for making you feel bad? If you do, then you put yourself in their shoes. You want to hurt someone just like someone hurt you. Perhaps the circumstance in your offender’s life blinded them from seeing the truth, causing them to blame and hurt you in the first place. And now you want to do the same.
Understand that if you’re looking for someone to ask for forgiveness from you for something they did to you so that you can feel good. You’re asking to heal that someone first before you heal yourself. You’re are asking them to understand their motives, their feeling, and emotions, thus making yourself depended on their realization of themselves, depending on someone to heal first.
You don’t need someone to heal in order for you to continue with your life. Why? Because you care too much about yourself to hold yourself back by holding a grudge, an insult, holding tight onto a hurtful memory. A forgiveness of self should come first, for holding onto some belief or condition that is preventing you from being at peace right now. There is no evil in the world, there are only the ones that believe that their suffering is caused by others, because others believed that their suffering was caused by others, and so the ball kept rolling. You don’t need to keep that ball rolling anymore. Forgive yourself for ever wanting to keep it rolling.