Personal Growth

I am only one

I am only one and there are so many of you.

So many thoughts, beliefs, rules that I need to remember, social conducts that I have to obey, problems that I need to solve. But there is only one of me. Will I ever get to address all the things that I need to address. Will I have enough time to listen to all the thoughts, worries, problems? Will I have enough time to fix everything I need to fix. After all, there is only one of me and so many of everything else that demands my attention, understanding, and solution.

But do I even need to address everything that rises in my experience, everything that I see and hear? Do I need to be tangled in everything that draws my attention? Because the minute I start listening to a thought, for example, there is another thought and another, and so it goes endlessly… it never stops. The same goes for fears and emotions. Once I’m pulled into the web of fears and emotions, it could last for hours and sometimes days, weeks, years.

How come there is so much of everything that is being served to me and there is only one of me to receive it all? Sometimes it feels like it is too much to handle for one person. And perhaps here lies the problem – the problem being that we think that we need to handle everything that rises in our lives. We adopt the attitude of handling everything that needs to be handled. But who decides what needs to be handled and what is not?

Judgment decides.

When a breeze of wind caresses your face on the beach as the waves splash and collide with each other, while the sun is warming the soft sand you’re walking on, birds squeaking, clouds flying by, and a hundred different things in nature going on at once, that doesn’t seem to bother us. We don’t judge that.

The minute we start judging we fall into that infinite web of thoughts, emotions, and fears. We are holding onto what is right in our minds and judging everything else by what we believe is right, judging people circumstance emotions, the world, according to what we believe, according to our point of view.

But eventually, the world is too big for us, it is too diverse, too colourfull to obey one rule or another in which we firmly believe in our minds. Our points of view fail to withstand the infinite possibilities that are occurring simultaneously all around us, while our focus is drawn to one thing at a time. And if that one thing collides with something that we disagree with, we begin to chase for a relief by looking for a solution trying to convince ourselves and others that what is right now is wrong. Trying to convince ourselves that what we see, hear, experience, feel is wrong and unaccepted.

When you look at a  broken glass bottle and a whole one, is one of them wrong? is one of them needs to be fixed? Sure, if you believe that your life is depending on the broken bottle being whole, you will rush to glue it as fast as you can. It all comes up to – what is important to you right now? Is it your firm beliefs about how you should feel? How the world is supposed to be? Do you put your wellbeing second to what you think is right or wrong?

If you notice how you feel each time you try to fight something, disagree with something, judge something, you can see that you have a choice just before you’re all tangled in the web of what is bothering you. The choice is – Am I going to let myself take myself deeper into that web knowingly that it will make me feel even worse, or am I going to try to find a relief because my wellbeing comes first.

Make it your intention to find a relief each time you feel bad. Not by trying to fix things, or figure them out, until your mind settles down. Your mind can’t help you with that, because it is already busy judging the “bad” experience or emotion that you’re having.

But you can rest outside of your mind, you do it all the time too. When you sleep, daydream, watching your favorite tv show, eating your favorite food. Basically everytime that your attention is completely absorbed in one or more of your body’s senses. By making an intention to find a relief while not fighting what is already occurring in our experience we begin to identify ourselves less and less with what “makes” us feel bad. This will lead us to a more broader understanding of the experience we’re having allowing us to make new conclusions about it, about ourselves and others, changing our beliefs, and eventually our lives.

Make it your priority to find relief each time that you notice that you don’t feel good, that will eventually lead you to peace. Also, understand that the relief that you’re seeking is already here, just allow yourself to release your attention from what is bothering you in your experience so you can see more clearly and wisely that it is not the experience that is holding you from being at peace, but is your attention on what you believe is right and wrong.

Yours truly,

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