I thought if I can forget about my thoughts I wouldn’t need to think about my sadness.
I thought if I can be without possessions I wouldn’t need to worry about losing them.
I thought if I can be alone I wouldn’t need to worry about being right or wrong.
I thought if I can be in silence I would find peace from all the noise.
I thought if can I run away from everything nothing can ever hurt me.
No matter where I go and where I stay there’s always something to remind me of that which hurts and fears inside.
Who or what is that, I do not know.
I want to see it, hear it, feel it.
I want to speak to it.
I want to calm it down.
But every time I try to catch it, it vanishes into unknown.
Perhaps the one that hurts and fears is the creation of my mind.
If it was me then it would feel like this forever.
But that which hurts eventually disappears.
This which I call myself is nothing but a series of rules that I’ve created.
All of my preferences.
All my beliefs about what’s right and wrong.
The personality that I call ‘Me’ is not my home.
It is my own creation.
It is a place that tries to fit into the world obeying what it thinks is right while neglecting what feels wrong.
I thought if I can follow all the rules I would be loved appreciated and deserved.
Perhaps its time to see that I am not my own creation.
I am the one that chooses to obey the personality that guides me recklessly and yet deliberately into a life of fear and suffering.
The words are not enough to be awakened, to set me free, to find the peaceful space that started all of this.
I must relinquish all of my determinations, that caused me to believe that I am this, I am this person.
But who am I without the self-created person?
Without the person,
I am the self.