Relationships, oh man. Talking about getting to know yourself on a whole different level. Because that is what relationships are all about, right? Well, not entirely. But for the bigger part of it, that is what comes out as a result of being in a relationship, a deeper knowing of self… and of course, we get to know our significant other.
I’m going to cover what I think is the essentials when it comes to relationship fights and spiritually growing. So If you are already in a long term relationship or just entering one, it all applies.
1-2-3 Fight! – Know your limit
For the bigger part of my life, I avoided relationships and I thought that I knew myself pretty good. But apparently, I was just keeping things for later, as a lovely surprise for myself and for my significant other. Of course, I’m being cynical. We laugh about it now, but back in the day, emotions were high and none of us had a clue what the heck is going on.
We were literally fighting every two weeks. Even retro fighting about what went wrong two weeks before and two weeks prior to that, up until to the very first fight. Women have great long-term memory when it comes to fights, too bad that men have a short one. Otherwise, so much time could have been saved. Anyway, I digress.
Besides the negative side of feeling bad having a fight, fights are great for learning your emotional triggers. Learning what you really think about yourself and not what you pretend to know about yourself.
With that said you need to know your limit and avoid going over it. Because this is where things might get out of your control, you might say things that you will regret saying later. We all have a limited emotional capacity to absorb and store emotion. It is important to let your partner know when you’re about to reach that limit and hope that they understand.
1-2-3 Fight! – Don’t hold back
If you find yourself looking for the cause of your emotional trigger, most likely you will tend to blame someone else for the way you feel. Trying to hold back for too long what you want to say might build up to an unwanted tension and come out not the way you intended it to come out in the first place. So don’t be afraid to communicate your emotions, don’t hold back, even if you risk having a fight as a result of sharing.
1-2-3 Fight! – Notice the pattern
After going through enough fights keep an eye for recurring themes you fight about. When you find a theme for the first time, you will be amazed by how you misinterpret so many circumstances as the same thing over and over again. And although you might be utterly convinced that you understand now what is going on, as long as you keep blaming the circumstance, the trigger will continue to present itself in a different variation triggering you again catching you unprepared.
There is saying that you should learn from your mistakes. But how can we learn from our mistakes if we keep looking on the ever-changing circumstance? For example, if your sense of unworthiness is triggered and all you do is trying to memorize the exact scenarios it occurred in so you can avoid them in the future, it would not make much difference, because you’re not addressing the root issue, you’re just looking for ways to avoid it. However, that fails too because circumstance doesn’t present itself each time the same way.
So when you notice a recurring emotional trigger don’t waste your time looking for answers out there, it is time to go within getting to know the true reasons for your emotions from within – this is the next tip.
1-2-3 Fight! – The Cycle
Usually, when couples fight and stay together, they are both on a path to self-discovery. But as long as you are both casting blame the cycle will continue. The miscommunication and misinterpretations will continue. “I didn’t mean that when I said that I meant something else”.
Don’t stress about not being understood. The other side will always interpret what you said according to what they believe is the truth. And as long as one of you believes that the truth is out there, and not within, there is nothing you can do, besides looping the cycle till exhaustion. This is the time to get familiar with our belief system that interprets the emotional triggers. So the tip here is to educate yourself about what you believe in by observing your thought patterns so you can begin to get to know yourself and your truth, better.
1-2-3 Fight? – No need!
When both sides are spiritually educating themselves and growing there comes a time of learning that does not require fighting anymore. When emotional triggers occur, each one claims the space and time they require to go through what they need. It is important to respect what the other person is going through even when they keep it to themselves, and not being their usual self.